Let's do this thing!

Lately I’ve been having run-ins with olderish gentlemen. This latest incidence and almost getting in a fight in a Sam’s Club parking lot. First off, I’m not opposed to the baby boomers, my dad is one. Granted, I have tried to take him out on more than one occasion. Perhaps, my latest run-in is due, in part, to karma. I don’t think so, my dad always has it coming; and it keeps him spry.

Midway is a great town. Founded by the Swiss, Midway shares many characteristics of the modern day Switzerland, such as neutrality and non-aggression. They have great events there.

I decided to go on a date there. It was a Jazz concert and it was free, bonus! While my date and I were walking to the grass seating area I had to stop by the restroom. As is my custom I make noises when I hear the door to the restroom open; groans, tapping of the feet, and the like. This usually lets people know that the stall is occupied.

The door opened and as I finished my noise routine I relaxed a bit. The next thing I know this 60ish year old man with a cowboy hat is peeking over the top of the stall. Weird right! We made eye contact and he grunted something about not knowing the stall was occupied. I guess I didn’t make enough noise, sounds like I need to invest in an air horn.

I finished my business and made my way to the sink. The peeper was finishing his business at the urinal and left. I dried my hands and left the bathroom, ready to meet up with my date. As I was walking in the parking lot this 60ish year old man turned to me and asked if I’d washed my hands. I responded enthusiastically that I had. I was even slightly proud of the fact. After my response Mr. Cowboy looked at me and gruffly responded, “I don’t think you did!”

Shocked, my date and I both stopped and just looked at this modern day cowboy of cleanliness. There was tension in the air as the elderly cowboy’s hand inched closer to his Leatherman. I didn’t press the matter and we left without resorting to blows/stabbing.

I don’t know what it is. Honestly, who does something like this? The fact that I did wash my hands irked me even more. Anyway, I have no idea who will hassle me next. However, I’m guessing a walker or dentures might be involved.

Death unto Thee!

I’m in the double digits now. The bodies just keep mounting. Every day I see at least one of the enemy. Sometimes I enjoy placing one in the bath tub and watching it try to scurry up the side; they never get very far.

The earwig army has been advancing. A few days ago they officially crossed the 38th parallel, the point of definite aggression. Thus, negating any chance they might have had for mercy. A man can only be pushed so far! I didn’t mind seeing them hiding in the carpet. I didn’t even mind when I found one in my bed.

During the night of July 12, 2010 at 2:23 am I awoke to relieve myself. All went as planned, and I returned refreshed. The loss of moisture had peaked my thirst and I decided to have a little drink. In the darkness I fumbled for the container and place the lip of the bottle to my lips. As I swallowed the cool liquid, letting it pass over my tongue, I felt something move.

My throat at this point immediately sealed off and everything in my mouth was spewed out. I rushed for the light wanting some illumination on what the offending moving liquid could have been. As I cleaned the spit mixture I saw it, horns straight from Satan himself! These horns, however, weren’t located on the head. They were on the creatures back end, the dreaded earwig. The fiends struck a powerful blow. Due to their actions; I have sworn to take upon myself the role of aggressor. No earwig shall be safe!

Until this point the earwigs have been a mild disturbance and somewhat entertaining. My mom really hates the things. Now I too, will do my part to exterminate them. Any living thing that enters my mouth unwanted will incur my wrath! The day of reckoning is at hand my earwig friends, and I shall be victorious!